It has been a month since Joe died and I am still struggling. The most concerning problem I am dealing with is my anger. I get angry at every little thing. Most of the time, I catch it and just try to put it away. I am lucky to have Josie, who understands what is going on (the best she can) and has not taken off yet.
The next issue are the anxiety attacks. I never had one before. At first, I thought I was having a heart attack or something. They hurt so bad. I could not breathe and my chest was killing me. But then, just as fast as they came, they went away. I asked a doctor about it and he said that is pretty common when going through this. He offered me something to calm me but I denied it. I am running now and thought this might effect that. I am getting into pretty good shape right now.
I m having a very hard time concentrating. If you read my blogs, you probably know that already simply because I have not been producing a lot of content. This is especially noticeable at work. Well, I have noticed. Everyone else is either very accepting of it or I have been getting just enough done (I work with a great group of people so I expect it is the former). I have been getting to work and trying to get my work done in the morning. I know that I am going to lose focus as the day goes on, so I try to get my stuff done when I am sharp and then, as the day goes, I do less. I end the day looking through the Internet news, wondering if the police know something.
Finally, sleep has been a real issue. I ain’t getting any. I have been having nightmares. And those nightmares have been stopping me from going to sleep as well as waking me up. When I have fallen asleep, I have been greeted with nightmares. I have woken up in the morning and Josie is exhausted because of my talking and rolling around. Later, I am going to write about one of my nightmares. You will probably find that it really was not much of a nightmare, but it just would not stop, like playing in a loop.
So what am I doing about it. I am not sure there is a lot to do. Because I am having trouble concentrating, I have not been writing much. I am barely able to keep working. I am hardly able to listen to Josie. Resting…there is no rest. I am just trying to survive.
I am still looking for information about Joe’s death on the Internet. I do have information but I cannot talk about it much. I have started to read a book called, “It’s OK You’re Not OK,” and there is some great advice. But, it is pointing out the I am alone in all this and I am feeling more alone.I am ignoring my anxiety attacks. But I have done a couple of things.
First, here I am. I am writing. Not a lot. But it is something. I continue to read the Bible. My lack of focus is a tad of an issue especially since I am having trouble focusing and the Bible can be tough to digest. But I am moving on, skipping days when I have to.
I have started taking my running a lot more serious. Josie wants to do the San Diego Marathon and I think that is a great idea for a few reasons. First, it will be Josie’s first and I cannot think of anything more exciting. Second, it gives me something to look forward to.
I also began collecting things. I have Joe’s ashes in an urn and a pendant. Again, I am wearing the pendant and I gave my parents the urn. I have collected hundreds of pictures. Eventually, I will publish every one. I still have the baseBut the greatest thing that I found was a voicemail message that Joe left me the night he died. My birthday was on March 20 and he decided to call me at 11:40 PM. He was wishing me a happy birthday. He sounded great and said he loved me. I did not even know he called (I was probably asleep). His mother called to get the recording because the police were looking for it. I won’t lie, I was a wreck for the rest of the weekend. I think this recording will be something I never lose. I decided to convert it to an MP3 and then make a quick video out of it. You can see it below.
I still miss him.
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i was crying before playing the audio. Its me again, one of joey’s friends moms. I tread carefully, but I always think of Joey and my son had so many friends, I always wonder if he’s trying to come through, like channel through me. Yes I’m spiritual, God is good and has also come to me. We all find our own way through this life, but I want to say, please in hard times, ( I’m all over the map ) please ask Joey to comfort you or show you signs. His soul is alive and well, his time here short, but he isn’t gone. His body is gone. Speak to him, know he lives on.
This makes me wonder if we truly have a blue print before or when we are born. My best friend who lost her daughter over 25 yrs ago on May 11, she was a neighbor , she was always on edge worried,,, low and behold it happened. she would hear something and run to the window, she always lived in worry, as if her soul knew she had something coming ,,, and it happened.
I know you have posted about murderers , and then this. Although the details are whatever they are, I kept have a vision also. I’m told it was an accident , but gang, this is spiritual wording, my fav psychic who works with the police dept told me SHE cant talk about it with me, only family, because it wouldn’t be right. Christina Cay Watts, she’s on facebook, the divine medium. I’ve known her a few years, met her during a reading when my dad came through with specific information. anyhow this depends if religion or the need to know things dominates someone.
Why even seek out a medium, like why do I even mention it, because I never sought out one myself until my dad died May 30 1999 age 59, he was my rock, an orphan, I had to know he was ok, so I attended a circle group and got a few messages that ONLY could be from my dad, this man was amazing, by the way he’s the mentor to James Van Praagh who wrote talking to heaven. I still post on fb one or twice a year about life being a rip off when we lose people. My brother also passed at age 44 of a heart attack, so I’m almost comfortable with death, it’s like it’s not shocking, most of all is because I know that my ancestory and family surround me, If I am falling I ask, YES ask, please show me signs, and I get them, no matter if it’s someone walking by that looks like my dad or brother, or someone doing a hobby their of them did. SIGNS……..
You are in shock , keep talking about what you need too. I guess I’m waiting for you to say hi or tell me off. I am still guided to follow this because Joey somehow pulls at me. Bless his Soul, I love that son of yours. Keep his spirit alive, always talk, YES some people wont know what to say, some people may appear to avoid you because of that, It’s so normal. But I’m seeing his smile as I write, and he’s doing ok, he always seems to give the energy that he’s more worried about his family and sister, oh his sister, He sure did put people first at times. He was doing a life of what most youth battle with on and off, hard time to be growing . Heart of Gold. and you remember that audio, ” I love you dad “. that is all you need to hold close. He wants to make sure you know that.
Run, run run, I think you can run some of the grief off. it’s helping. Sending Prayers, God Bless you –