Movie Review: The Midnight Meat Train

Josie and I had a night alone together. We had wine and a good Internet connection. So it was a Netflix night. We decided to watch something I wanted to watch for a while. Good news: Josie had enough to drink that she was willing to watch a movie I wanted to see. The movie we saw was Midnight Meat Train. Well, I am glad we had drinks after watching this one (yes, you can foreshadow).

This movie was released in 2008 and was written by Clive Barker and Jeff Buhler. It was based on a short story by Clive Barker. That is positive number one! It was directed by Ryûhei Kitamura. Besides the really messed up name, he directed nothing that I had ever heard of. That should have negated the positive. It starred Bradley Cooper, Vinnie Jones and Leslie Bibb. I like Bradley Cooper so I thought, “How bad could this movie be?”. Yeah, well, this one must have been made before those Oscar-winning performances in The Hangover. Critics at gave it a 72% (what were these guys smoking) but the audience reviews gave it a 50% (I usually look at these because critics are always full of crap). This movie was going to be a risk because I really wanted Josie to go see the next Star Wars flick with me.

So, the movie was about…well, I’m not sure. Some guy (Cooper) is taking pictures of people around New York for art (which, was kind of creepy) and he accidentally took a picture of a serial killer (or, he may not have been. not sure). He obsesses with this guy for some reason and starts following. The guy (Jones) sees him but does nothing. So, in an act of pure logic and reason, Cooper keeps following him until he finds out the Jones is a serial killer (or whatever he was) culminating into a huge twist at the end of the movie (that I still don’t understand and involves his wife played by Bibb, who had nothing to do with the movie until the end).

OK, I am going to be really straight here. The acting sucked, the plot sucked and the “surprise” ending sucked. I had no idea what happened at the end of this movie. We spent two hours watching this piece of crap and the only discussion Josie and I could have was asking each other, “What were those things??” at the end of the film (the two question marks were intentional). The only thing that was redeeming about this movie was the violence (for you sick folk) was over the top. Probably a little too much over the top. And Jones plays an awesome sociopath. But that is it.

I won’t lie: I would rather eat the raw ass of a dead sloth than watch this movie again. It was bad. And I’ll never get that hour and forty minutes back. But, anyway, the movie has over-the-top violence and some gratuitous sex so it is not a date movie or for the kids. But, that does not matter. If you follow my review, you won’t be watching it anyway.

I don’t want to write anymore. I am getting the shakes. I rate it 1 of 5 stars.

As an after thought: I’d like to meet the critics that ranked this movie so high. I hope to God they are not breeding.

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