I am faced with a problem. Something I have not had to deal with in quite a while. And it is stressing me out beyond all belief.

I need to dress up. Slacks, a nice shirt and a dress or sports coat. I do not need a tie or a suit. Here’s the problem: I have the required items for the dinner but I am not sure anything matches. To put it this way, I am fashionably stunted. To put it in simpler terms, I can’t dress myself. I normally wear jeans, a T-shirt that I was awarded during one of my races and Converse All-Stars. Even my work clothing is something I grabbed from Costco (the purchase was determined by cost and color, never style). Underwear and socks have always been optional. I have never seen myself as the Calvin Klein underwear-model type and I wouldn’t know fashion if it was driving a truck and ran over me. It just isn’t my thing.

Josie, my girlfriend, has tried to fix this. She has bought me some causal clothing that she feels bring out my nice qualities and forbade me (yes, she actually forbids me) from wearing any of the following: running T-shirts, anything from Wallmart, soiled shoes, basketball shorts (not sure why she complains about this, I never wear them), hats, sandals, my wildly bright running shoes and white socks. I must also ALWAYS wear the following: black socks (which is weird to me since I was raised with white socks being the casual wear). But, we never discussed dress clothes. And I need dress clothes for tomorrow night.

I do what any survivalist does. I lay out what I have and see if I can MacGyver something together (MacGyver, for all you youngsters, is a 1990’s television show about a private eye (or something like that, never saw the show) who could invent things that would save his life. Kind of like Batman without the cape). I had one suit (charcoal grey), two shirts (grey and dark green) and a sports coat (tweed or something. I don’t know, I got it for free from the Men’s Warehouse when I bought the suit). I also have work dress pants (two black, beige and brown) (don’t know why I told you I have two pairs of black pants, I can only wear one) and assorted collared shirts. Everything fits a little loose because I lost weight. The requirements for dinner are slacks, dress shoes, collared, button-down shirt and a coat.

I have tried everything on. It all looks great. By themselves. My sports coat looks phenomenal even while wearing a T-shirt and shorts. But nothing that would meet the requirements quite matches. The suit looks great without a tie, but everyone knows that I bought it for funerals (I just wore it for one a month and a half ago) and this is a birthday party. I don’t want the recognition of my funeral suit to trigger painful memories on what is suppose to be a joyous celebration.

Oh, what a disaster. My breathing is becoming thready, my heart is racing, my blood pressure is climbing and I feel a stroke coming on. Things could go downhill in my life if I fail. My girlfriend could leave me, my parents could die of shame, my kids will disown me and my friends would mock me.

The pressure!

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ButterscotchMartiniGirls.com
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nypost.com/
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