This weekend, I went out and did a lot of things that I had never done before. Some things I understood what the outcome would be, some things were sprung on me without my knowledge. It is still a toss up as to whether I will ever trust my girlfriend again. I think It will take up to 24 hours before I will know for sure.

My weekend really started on Saturday morning. I woke up nice and early, as I usually do, and just sat in bed. I wondered why I would wake up nice and early on a day that I did not have to wake up nice and early. So I did what I do on every Saturday morning; I just laid there, hoping to fall back asleep. Eventually, I gave up on the endeavor of falling back asleep and decided to do laundry.

I hate doing laundry. But if I wanted to wear underwear this week, it needed to be done. I was going to be stuck in my room so I decided to workout while waiting. I did five sets of short bridges, wall push ups and headstands. I was definitely sore the next day. When I threw the clothes in the dryer, I went out for a short run.

With clothes washed and folded and calories burned, I was hungry and decided to eat. Swearing I would do something different, I decided to have a hamburger at Five Guys. I had heard that this place was great. What I did not hear was that it was horribly expensive. I think my rent may be late because half of it went to my bacon cheeseburger. But, damn, it was good.

Now, I am getting older. I am losing hair on my head and it is sprouting everywhere else. For the most part, I can take care of it with some clippers. But there is one place I have no control: my back. My ex-wife used to take care of it, but she is no longer. My girlfriend had a plan: waxing. I looked for places and found one that would charge $50. She found a place for $30. And she made an appointment.

Now, I am kinky. A little S&M never bothered me. And the gal doing it was pretty cute so I decided to make this into a PG-13 kind of threesome. Well, the sensuality kind of went to hell at the first tearing of hair from my body. My back is now soft as a baby’s hind quarters but I think some of my spine might have been taken with my hair.

My girlfriend was not done with me. The next day, she wanted to take me to a swap meet. I had never been to one so I thought it might be fun. I have never seen so many acres of crap in my life. We walked through the aisles of tents for three hours. I ended up only buying a 12-pack of black socks and my girlfriend bought a bottle of laundry detergent. Between the both of us, we spent $6. Yes, it did kill three hours but I think I could have gotten more out of going to Walmart for twenty minutes. Combine the waste of time with the sun burn I got and the fact that I hate shopping and you can imagine I was ready for a beer.

But my girlfriend STILL was not finished with me. Apparently ripping skin off my back and having me go shopping in the hot sun, risking heat stroke, was not enough torture. Yep, that’s right! It was dinner time.

Now, my girlfriend is Mexican. I am white. She likes Mexican food but I do not really know true Mexican food. Apparently, Taco Bell is not considered Mexican food. Go figure. So I let her order for me. We went to a street vendor for street tacos. She asked what kind of meat I wanted and I told her to choose for me. I got three tacos: one with steak and two with something I had never seen before. I asked her what it was and she just told me to try them.

I did. Ate them all. Though the texture was weird, they were not bad. That’s when she decided to pop the surprise. The first one was tacos de buche. I asked her what that was and she did not know how to put it in English (yes, she is one of those that speaks fluent English selectively). I asked around and got the answer: pig stomach. Nice!

But that was not it. The second taco was stuffed with tripas. I look at her, horrified. I knew Spanish was close enough to English to know she was talking about tripe (pig’s intestines). She asked me how I liked it. I told her that the vote was still not in. I would not know for 24-48 hours. That is how long salmonella takes to strike. She said she doubted anything would happen. But the thought that eating the plumbing of a pig could be that great for me.

I wanted a weekend that would be different. It was definitely different. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did.

 

Photos courtesy of:
www.seriouseats.com
www.pinterest.com
oceansideswapmeet.com
www.theodysseyonline.com
fiveguys.com