It’s been a while. But I think it’s time.

I’m depressed. Badly. I’m not suicidal but my life is unraveling.

My son has been gone for almost a year.

It hurts. My girlfriend, who has recently become my fiance, doesn’t seem to be there for me. She seems more interested in her life but doesn’t care about mine except when it benefits her. We haven’t spoken since her grandchild was born.

My friends have all left. I don’t have the conversations I did before.

I’m just…well …really lost.

Yesterday, I came to realize some things. Things that will bring me back.

My son is gone. He always will be. I started writing a book about it. I was hoping to have it completed by the date of his death. It won’t be. Started it too late. But I will complete it. The spare time I have will be used to completing it. I will complete it. I will publish it on Amazon. And I will miss him for the rest of my life. And I will appreciate and celebrate his death every year because he did die on my birthday.

My fiance needs to make a decision. I will not have love be conditional. Not going to happen. If she doesn’t come back, she loses. If I’m alone for the rest of my life, then I am.

I will work with my friends. They have been with me during the hardest time of my life. I can depend on them.

I will run, do push-ups, planks and pull-ups. I feel good after I finish these.

And I’ll move on. I hurt so much right now.