I have some great news. I bought another website. This one is called DumbassesTalkingPolitics.com. I created this website to post my political views and the views of my friends. This site will also be a resource for our podcast that is in the making. The bad news is I love politics and, as you have seen, I post a lot of it. That means I am now going to have to really begin to look to make this site far more personal, though politics will not be out of the question.
So , I need to kind of change the theme of this site so that it is more about my life and less about what pisses me off about life (such as what politics does). But that is where I need to change myself to make this site a reflection of me. This is going to be difficult to do.
When Joe died, I lost myself. I am still lost. I am trying to find myself, but I am in the dark. I am wandering through life as if I am wandering in a cave with no light, my hands searching rocky walls, trying to find a path. The one thing I have always had is my mind, my reason. That is probably why I have delved into politics. It allows me to use my reason and avoid my feelings. But I am a very emotional person. And they are going to come up, whether I like it or not.
It’s time to be honest with myself. Explore these feelings. Treat this site as the diary it should always have been. Let this site be about me, my feeling and my experiences. That means I need to do a few things.
First, I need to be honest with myself. I need to deal with my dark side. I need to look at my problems, my faults and my obstacles (and there are quite a few). Lay them out, discover the solutions and have the courage to overcome them. Most of my issues have simple solutions (not easy but simple).
To use a simile, the obstacles of my life are like the movie I am watching right now. This movie really sucks. I could simply turn it off and find another movie. But, for me, this is not easy. I hate starting a movie and not finishing because I think I might miss that brilliant piece of wisdom it has to offer in the last sixty seconds (though most never reveal any wisdom and I end up regretting the loss of a couple of hours of my life). All my problems are pretty much like that.
Next, I need to find the positive things in life and be a positive thing in life. I’ve been a funny guy. People want to hang out with me. But there is a hollowness inside. I do separate myself, almost hide from my friends. And, when I realize what I’m doing, I struggle to break the pattern. Not because I’m depressed or anything, but because I don’t want to. I’m almost afraid to. But, when I do, I realize people want to see me and I’m missing out.
This movie is really dumb. Lot’s of blood and stuff but it’s not making a lot of sense. Wait, I have to see this. Wow, I did waste two hours of my life. I think I’ll put on Frazier and finish this post. I won’t even review this movie, it’s called Apostle and it’s a Netflix exclusive.
I hope I didn’t mess you up with my slight diversion. You might have to re-read the paragraph before the last one. But, to continue, I went to visit some of the best friends I have in San Diego and have been neglecting. You know what? They missed me. And I spent fifteen minutes talking to a bunch of people. I really missed them. The lesson: I need to break the pattern of isolating myself. I need to make an effort to keep these people in my life. But, not just at work. There are many close friends I have kept at arm’s distance. I may have to make some phone calls and mend some fences.
Finally, I need to live life. I need to stop hiding from the things that make me happy. I like to run, read, write, hike, workout and party. I’m not doing any of that now. I love to be with my girlfriend and her kids, see my daughters and my parents and travel. I’m not doing any of that now. If I am going to create an awesome blog, I need to live.
And I need to do it with my son in mind. Joe was always the risk-taker. He always thought outside the box and did what was exciting. He was adventurous. He took risks. He got that from me. I have run 100 miles. I hiked Mount Whitney in the middle of the night. I have gotten into my car and drove to another state and run a marathon on a whim. I have decided to go to Las Vegas without a place to stay. I need to live my life the way I taught him to live. I miss him. Badly. But his death wasn’t my fault and the best way to honor him is to create the legacy he never had a chance to.
One of my favorite plays is No Exit by Jean Paul Sartre. In this play, the dead can see into the living world because the important people in their lives remember them. I don’t know if Joe is in Heaven or Hell (that’s another post) but I know, if Sartre’s theory is true, he’s looking down on me. And I hope he experiences what I am experiencing. I think I should give him something to watch.
Anyway, the Netflix movie, Apostle, sucked. It was long, difficult to understand and nonsensical. This is not a date movie and keep the kids away because of the violence and horrid images. I give it a 2 of 5 stars.
I miss my son so much. And, I know, he’s looking down on me now. I need to give him something to look at.
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