I am going to do something really different today with this post. This post will be published but not advertised or announced. The only people that will see that are those who know of the site and visit on their own. I need to do this one for myself. I find that just writing helps. And I like writing on my blog because it is a running log for me. Kind of like a diary that anyone can read.
As the reader may know from my past blog posts and new web page, my son, Joe, has died. He was only 21 years old. He had a life of struggles and it looks like it finally caught up with him. But that’s not important. I am just trying to figure out what is going on and what to do. Hopefully, this little post will help.
So, What’s Going On?
Things have been hard. I found myself looking at the Stages of Grief, which I published last week and it appears I am going through a few at the same time. And I am having a lot of trouble dealing with it. I am still really sad. I was in the shower and thought about putting in an application for the Badwater 135 next year. I always hoped Joe would be one of my crew. I lost it and started crying and could not stop for over thirty minutes. I am still stuck in stage 2: pain.
I have also been unbearable to live with. I feel rage right now. Not just angry, but pure rage. Any little thing will set me off. I have yelled at everyone and it can come at anytime. Any little thing will set me off, not just about Joe. I do care about how he died now and I am constantly looking to see if the catch the person(s) who did this. And I want them dead. Worse, I want to kill them. This is not how I am. And I don’t like it. I can’t sleep and I know it is not good for my health or relationships. This is from stage 3: anger.
Finally, I am having a hard time sinking into myself. I cannot focus. While at work, I can spend a lot of time just staring into my computer screen, thinking about what is happening. I do not want to see or talk to anyone. It has been three weeks and I still haven’t seen any of my friends. I just sit in my office and think. In fact, writing this is taking me forever. It takes me ten minutes just to get a line on the screen. This is from stage 4: reflection and “depression.”
What Am I Doing About It
I decided I needed some focus. The Bible seems to me a way to get that focus and, hopefully, comfort. I bought The One Year Bible. I found it was highly recommended. I bought it because it was organized in a way for daily readings. If I read it every day, I will be finished the entire bible in a year. So far, I have to say, it has been very helpful (though sometimes my mind wanders while reading).
The other thing I need to do is catch myself when I am losing it. When the anger begins to broil, I must acknowledge it and accept it. Only then will I be able to control it. What is making it harder to control my emotions is exhaustion. I have not slept very well. Over the last week, I have been going to bed after midnight. Because I need to wake up at six in the morning, I am completely out of energy by the end of the day and am over emotional.
Lack of sleep is also leading me to not doing what I should be doing. My hobbies (like adding to this blog) are therapy for me. But I do not have the energy or I just don’t want to do it. I remember when I was suffering from depression, I would just stop running in the middle of a workout. When I went to see my doctor, he told me to deal with my feelings and do what I needed to do. Since I did not have a bad form of depression, he would not prescribe me anything.
Well, that’s what I need to do now. And I am doing that. Today, I did two things that I really did not feel like doing: I wrote this blog post and I went to see my friends. I also have started running this week and will do it again tonight. But I need to keep doing it. Not just today but everyday. Running is going to be very important. It is a way I think and it does calm me. Skipping it now would be a big mistake.
Finally, I need to get through Joe’s funeral. It’s on Saturday. I am expecting drama. I really do not want drama. And there are probably going to be a lot of people. Some to say goodbye, some to by nosy. I just want to grieve. I want to say goodbye. I want closure. I do not want to talk to people I have not see in five years and get all the questions about what happened. I just need to move on and deal with this.
Conclusion
I have a feeling this is going to be a long road. At this point, I am not even sure I am going to survive it. I just feel I am going to just fade away one day. But I need to try and know that it will get better. I need to keep talking to Josie and my family. They have always been there even when I have been unbearable. I also need to remember that they are going through things also. It is not just me. They are suffering and are doing the best they can also. So I need to be patient.
God, I miss him.
Follow me on Twitter @RunninFewl
Thank you for finding the energy to post. May God wrap his arms around you and console you. I wrote last week. I too have been crying in the shower. I am a big fan of God , and Buddhas teachings but more so spiritual. I was in the shower last week crying so hard, then today, before reading this, I showered this morning and talked out loud, telling Joey it’s ok to go home, go to God, the family will join you later. I know it’s deep. There are no words, I can only say one of my best friends lost her daughter 25 yrs ago at age 17 and from that it drew me closer to the purpose of life, spirit and God………. and I know religion doesn’t believe in visiting the other side, but I swore today I will find out what happened, I’m sorry about the beliefs, but I keep being told it was an accident, but my soul says no, I have visions,,,, the last few minutes he knew it was over,,,, but I think some very evil things happened, most of all the politics of the school, the school and city keep it private, they wont say there is a murderer among the campus or area, they care about admission and that is what makes me sick, Your son has been to my house a few times, the kids all seem to do pot, beyond that I find out way after the fact, I even hate pot being legal, but Joeys smile radiated like no other, His soul lives on in you, I know of 2 of my sons friends who have died, my son can never go to memorials, he’s too tender and broken, and I am tempted to go sat, because I feel a part of Joey around me, being spiritual,,,, well it’s hard for people to understand, but his body was temporary and his souls lives on, he is loved, always loved, ………………
I cried so hard a few weeks ago, I’d not done that since my dad died, So my friend told me today to ask joey to give me a break, because he is really coming through for me, Gods gifted me intuitively , and from accident to gang related, how it happened, like you say, He’s gone the details you don’t want to be asked, just be in peace, just remain quiet just do what you need to do,,,, allow the pain, allow the anger,,,,, ask for space, I am Praying for you, you are in shock,,,,,,,,,,I am sending you love, and strength for whatever it’s worth. Our boys had many of the same friends. The boys are so upset, they knew right away what it was, They knew he was a happy easy going kid, they’ve partied with him, pot , nothing major, but they knew right away SOMEONE DID THIS,,,,,,,,,,,, they know because they are connected to him as tight friends, If you need to talk, or scream , please come to me, I’m open 24/7, I am here to serve people in pain, and God wants me to do whatever I can to assist anyway needed, I wont lie and say I understand, but I feel your pain and I’m not even Joeys parent, I can’t imagine, Hold God Close, because earth is hard, and being with God is pain free, Believe Joeys ok ,,,,,,,,,,,,,
I am checking in because unless you ask me not too , I am going to free flow write .
As I’ve said joeys been friends with my son and several ofbthr same kids . My son went to Westlake . Joey stood out . My days are long and busy , but he won’t leave my thoughts. I’ve consulted very close and spiritual friends that I consider close to God , source and the truth of life .
She swears it was an accident , synthetic stuff sold to him have him a bad trip , he went nuts , as she said animal like . And that it was just that insane of a reaction . Accident , and his failure to cross over is that he feels bad about family and hurting family . She asked me to assist . So I often talk outloud to Joey . He needs to return home to his ancestors who’s passed before him. I am hoping the funeral brings closure. My soul understands that once someone’s gone then they’re gone , does it matter why . Well no and yes . He was anxious about school but her WAS not suicidal !!! He loved his family. Anyhow until or unless you’d ask me to not speak , I will . I am sorry . So sorry . I can’t even garden without Joey coming into my head . I’ve had 2 shower moments. He just pops in . And that’s how spirit and souls work , they enter any way they can to communicate . If there is no one who believes in channeling or being in contact or signs from the other side , then there is nothing , but my spiritual journey has shown me different . That’s why I’m feeling him .
I’m busy moving and selling 2 homes and 2 kids at home One autistic and part time home school and here I am . Joey … joeys around . So I want to apologize of this goes against your belief . God is good , I walk close with God but also have some gifts bestowed.
Bless you , hugs to you . Please don’t try to stop crying , just be , just ketbit be as it should . Allowbthe pain . And please Breath . God Bless you ,
Beautiful memorial , lots of love in attendance . No drama . Beautiful daughters . I felt better after knowing he was watching over the entire church . He’s home , he’s always near you and today was better . Better because I know he knows he’s loved no matter what . Beautiful closure .
The hard times ahead and expect 3-6 mo of foggy thinking . It’s not easy , Allow the tears and grief . I am sending the entire family Prayers of strength .