Is There Such Thing As Unconditional?

My girlfriend, Josie, came back to her office after work. Her co-workers were discussing a rather interesting topic. They asked Josie that if I had gained a lot of weight for no real reason except I was eating too much and I had no desire to work it off at all, would she leave me? She thought about it and said that, if I did not change, she would. Of course, she would not leave right away. She would give me a chance to change. But being attracted to me was important and I not caring about my looks and health would damage our relationship.

The girls gave her a ration of crap. They called her cold and that she did not really love me. Our love should be unconditional and nothing like that should break us up. Now, these criticisms did not bother Josie at all. But she decided to ask me my opinion on the way home. I told her that I agreed with her. If there were no reasons outside of my giving up on life or getting too comfortable to the point of getting fat (and I mean, getting fat) then she should leave me. I would do the same if the scenario was reversed.

I thought it might be interesting to explore the reasons why.

Love Starts with Yourself

If I were Josie, my question back to the girls would have been, “Don’t question my love for him. Question how much he could love me when it appears he doesn’t even love himself”.  I believe not taking care of oneself so as to let your looks and health go by the wayside is a sign that one does not love himself. If that person does not love himself, how can he love his mate? Love of your mate should be the very reason to try to keep in shape and healthy. It is a real slap to the relationship (and can cause limitations such as lack of energy) and will wear the relationship down no matter how much love there is between the two.

Just recently, I looked at myself in the mirror and was less than impressed. Josie never said anything (and I do not think she was even thinking anything). But I was not happy. I wanted to look better for her. I never want to lose that attraction she has for me. So I went on an exercise plan and started eating better just to lose those few pounds. Yes, I did it for me. But I knew Josie would also like it.

Relationships Take Work

According to an article in Psychology Today by Susan J. Elliott, unconditional love is one of the most misinterpreted phrases. She says:

“Unconditional love REALLY means, “I love you no matter what happens,” NOT “no matter what you do to me.” It means UNDER ANY CONDITION life throws at us.”

Now, I know Elliott was writing about abusive relationships or shaming a partner into doing something but I believe the scenario Josie was questioned with fits. Unconditional love means we will love each other no matter what external events in life are thrown at us. We will not separate because we are poor or sick. But that does not extend to abuse. Domestic violence or abuse does not fall under unconditional love as far as Elliott is concerned. And I agree with that. I also believe that self-abuse, be it through alcohol, drugs or food also falls outside of unconditional love.

The relationship should make the two feel happy, comfortable and safe. They should feel that they can get through anything because they have each other to depend on. But when one in the relationship is abusing himself, those feels are hard to come by. And, sometimes, the best way to handle it is to get out.

About fifteen years ago, I was very unhappy in my marriage. I stayed in it because I thought I needed to. I gained a lot of weight (well, I was fat). Our relationship suffered and she threatened to leave me. Having four kids, I decided I needed to do everything I could to keep this relationship working. I lost all of the weight and, for a while, our relationship was better. Yes, it ended anyway but I knew I did everything I could do and it was not my fault.

Now that I am with Josie, I see what a true relationship is like and I work to be the person she wants and needs. The day I stop working on our relationship (and may it never come) means that I have lost the love for her I had. It will be then that one of us must move on.

References
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/getting-back-out-there/201609/what-is-unconditional-love

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