Last week, I read a sad story about a Canadian high school sophomore who had been bullied for years to the point she committed suicide. She told her story through a gut wrenching YouTube video just five weeks before killing herself. I will not go over her story since she tells it far better than I ever could. Click on the link below to see Amanda Todd’s video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ej7afkypUsc

Over the last year or so, bullying has become a hot topic. Unfortunately, Todd’s story is not the first and, most likely, won’t be the last to end in this way. Schools, psychiatrists and politicians have become involved in trying to stop this trend in order to keep the victims safe from harming themselves due to constant harassment from piers. Sadly, I do not believe bullying, especially when it comes to teenagers, is something that can ever be stopped even with anti-bullying laws and education.

Kids Will Be Kids

I hated using the above title for this section because it is a cliche that really means nothing in itself. But, when analyzing how children are, it really does fit. Children can be cruel and, no matter the consequences or legal repercussions  will continue to be cruel until they are affected to a point they understand (usually) or they grow up. I am not a child psychiatrist but I have four children (the eldest being twenty years old), worked as a day care counselor and coached assorted youth sports for the last ten years. I have extensive experience with children and their different types of behavior. The following is what I have learned over the years. I am not going to use specific examples to prove my point due to protecting the privacy of my family.

 Emotional Maturity

I am sure if you have ever dealt with teenagers as an adult (ages 13-18) you have experienced how difficult they can be. They can be loud, argumentative  unreasonable, stubborn, illogical, foolish, emotional and inattentive. Heck, if you have never been around teenagers, you may remember how you were and wonder what you were thinking at that age.

Fortunately (or unfortunately is you have to raise a teen), this behavior is temporary and normal. The teens between the ages of 12-17 is going through an important process according to Dr. John Mersch. The teen is trying to establish her own identity and independence  They are able to see world around them as what it is and not to the extremes that a child’s mind sees it. That’s a good thing. But with that comes the teen’s belief that she is invincible and emotional instability  This makes the teen vulnerable to peer pressure and risky behavior. In fact many doctors believe that a teen’s mind is not developed until sometime between the ages of 20-25 years.

Invincibility and Consequence

Teens are short-sighted. Most only think of here and now. They do not see the long term effects of their actions. This why a lot of crimes are committed by youths. They do not see themselves getting caught, never think what they do is a “big deal” and don’t believe they will ever serve any real punishment until it is too late. They also do not believe that they are susceptible to physical harm or death. They also do not see that what they do can hurt other people. I can’t count how many times my children have sad something to me that hurt my feelings, even if I knew they did not mean it.

Children and teens do not not think of the damage they do to others and this has a lot to do with the maturing process. For there entire preadolescence, they have been told what to do and did it unquestionably (usually). But as they enter adolescence, their minds begin to become independent which is necessary when entering adulthood. The lack of consequence and guilt are the results of the overly independent mind of the teen. It may be tough for the adults that must deal with them, but it is a part of the growth process.

Unpredictable Emotions

 Rage, fear, sadness, anxiety and elation are seen in extremes when it comes to teens. It seems when it comes to emotions, feeling go to the extremes and are rarely tempered. If a teen is annoyed, she will lash out. If a teen is sad, she will cry. Again, mix the immature mind with the cocktail of hormones flowing through the body of a teen and it should not be a surprise that the words of others could slip that person into depression or suicidal thoughts.

Underdeveloped Reasoning Skills

In Laurence Gonzales’ book Deep Survival: Who Lives, Who Dies and Why (will submit a review in a later post), Gonzales uses the analogy of a horse and rider when referring to emotion and reason. The horse (emotion) has all the power and the rider (reason) is responsible for controlling the horse even when the horse is startled (which, by the way, is an emotional reaction).

If we apply the analogy to teens, it would be like sticking a squirrel on top of a Clydesdale. Reasoning is something that is learned and needs to be developed. Children and teens will be developing reason through their mid-twenties, some longer.

So What Does All This Mean?

Children will be children and there is nothing we can do to change them. Adding laws and prosecuting bullies is just going to fill our jails with teens. Yes, they may not do it again, but, being as short sighted as they are, there is no guarantee. We also have the issue of bullying being a subjective perception. Where is the line between kids having a little squabble and bullying? And what is to stop a child from just exclaiming bullying simply because she is angry at someone? There are a lot of issues with trying to stop bullying through legal means.

Bullying also does have its positive sides. It should teach children how to handle difficult situations and people. It should teach them how to control their emotions. I have been on both sides of the bully. When bullied, I learned to handle difficult things myself as much as possible and develop that short memory so the events do not effect me in the future. And I still live this way today when I encounter that bully in the workplace. And they are out there.

When I was the bully, I learned I didn’t like it. I actually felt bad for the individual I victimized and felt ashamed of myself. I have never bullied anyone again and will even defend someone when I see they are being bullied.

Now this article was discussing the need for laws with bullying. The Amanda Todd case is very different and my opinions do not apply here. Todd was not only being bullies, she was being harassed, stalked and abused. I believe they should find the individual who did this and punish him (and I am not sure this was not an adult). But overall, I believe bullying is a normal process that all kids are going to go through when growing up and the only way to stop it is teach our kids and make them aware. Laws will not slow it down much less stop it.