There are times in life when you just want to watch mindless entertainment. When I say mindless, I mean drool-dripping-from-the-lips mindless. I am not even concerned with dialog. If I can watch a movie where I do not remember a single line of dialog, I know I have found a movie that will actually cease all synapses in my mind. And I will be happy.
Rob Zombie movies do that to me. So when I heard that his new movie, “31”, was finally on DVD, you better believe I got a hold of it. And after a bad day at work, I threw that bad-boy into the DVD player, hoping to forget what the real world is like.
The movie was written and directed by Rob Zombie and stars Sherri Moon Zombie (Rob’s semi-hot wife), Malcom McDowell (from Zombie’s Halloween series) and Richard Brake. It was released in September 2016 and after fifteen minutes in the theaters (honestly, I am not even sure it was released in theaters) it was put out on DVD. This movie had a bit of build up. I remember it being talked about two years ago but never knew it was actually finished. My assumption is that Halloween 1 and 2 were bigger money makers than this film could be so Zombie probably put it on the back burner.
The movie is focused in the early 70’s (like all of his movies) and features a group of entertainers traveling to their next gig (like all his other movies) when the come across a trap and are captured (like all his other movies). They are forced to play a game where they have to survive for twelve hours while being hunted by twisted clown folk. Needless to say, the victims and clowns are killed off in increasing grotesque ways until only the main character (Moon) and the super, psychopath clown (Brake) face off.
First, the good. Richard Brake plays an awesome psychopath. There is no acting in those eyes or that smile. This guy has to be truly nuts. There is also a dwarf Nazi clown (he also spoke German, English AND Spanish. Not sure why, but he did). How can you go wrong with a mean little dwarf Nazi clown?
Now, for the bad: everything else in the movie. I had no idea why these people were being picked on, who the people were that were organizing the game, why they were playing the game, why so many people were naked, how these folks had all those bodies but never got caught and I felt like a needed a shower after the movie. I really did not want to think, but, jeez, I wasn’t in a coma. Even Sherri Moon Zombie, who was gorgeous in “House of a 1000 Corpses”, looks like she needs to take a break from the movies and put some clothes on. She’s looking a little worn out.
The dialog involved a lot of cussing and sexual innuendo. That is about it. I am not even sure a word over two syllables was used. The violence was way over the top but nothing new (another movie with a chainsaw, yawn). What is worse is the movie was two hours long (I think a movie this bad should not be over an hour and twenty minutes).
This movie screams “Illegally download me!” because it is not worth the $13 dollars to purchase. I rate it 2 out of 5 stars (the Nazi dwarf clown gave it the extra star).
Pictures courtesy of:
IMDB.com
JoBloe.com
metalinjection.com
SlimeHouseTV.com
YouTube.com
