You know, I think I am going about this girlfriend hunting thing the wrong way. For the last four years, I have looking for the perfect girl. Some supermodel that is the CEO of a Fortune 500 company that likes pizza, football and sex (and probably needs to be a little blind to go for the likes of me). But gals like this are not going to be too easy to find, especially for a middle-aged, father-of-four (soon to be grandfather), computer geek that likes to blog on a Friday night.

So I thought it might be better not to look for that perfect woman. I think I need to tone my expectations a bit or I will be alone, changing my own diaper at age 91. I think I need to think about what I don’t want and just make sure the woman does not fall into any of those categories. Seeing that I do not have many “absolutely nots” I think I should be working on ex-wife number two within an hour.

So, with that said, let us look at the girls I should never date.

Red Heads

In a nutshell, red heads are nuts. I am not talking wearing-white-in-winter unstable. I am talking Charles-Manson-bathing-in-a-tub-of-jello-while-eating-deep-fried-monkey-brains nuts. I have dated two red heads and both were certifiable. In fact, I am still in counseling.

Now, there are advantages to being with this kind of crazy. But chances are me sticking with a red head will lead to me being found decomposing in some seedy motel (I suspect wearing a leather thong and hand cuffs).

For those red heads reading this article, I apologize for categorizing you like this. But the truth is: you’re probably nuts too.

Women that have Never Been Married or Don’t Have Kids

There is nothing more pathetic than going out with a forty year old woman that acts like a seventeen year old kid. These gals never grew up and dating them is brutal. No woman should be able to out drink me but these women can.

Here’s another reason I need to stay away: I like to sleep. That’s right. Spending all Friday and Saturday night, every weekend, at a dance club does not appeal to me. I know I can be an old fuddy-duddy but sometimes watching a movie at home with a glass of wine works for me even if it is Japanese Disco Lounge night at the Bent Pole Night Club. And for get about sex. I would need a nuclear reactor strapped to my crotch to be able to have sex after being up and drinking for forty-eight hours.

EAT SOMETHING!!!

Listen, if I take you to Applebees for dinner, you better eat something. And a salad with low fat dressing and a diet water is not consider eating. I consider eating to be between 800 and 3000 calories. That is not including the beer. And, yes, have a beer. It will loosen you up.

Women who do not eat annoy the crap out of me. I get the “diet” thing and I love a healthy woman with a good body. But she should keep that body up on her own time and eat some french fries, for Christ’s sake.

Another nasty dietary habit is not eating meat. Vegetarians and vegans make finding a place to eat very difficult. They try to guilt me with that “I’ll just have a salad”. What they are really saying to me is “you are an inconsiderate pig for taking me to a place that does not cater to my dietary needs”. But that guilt does not work with me. Been through it too much. Listen, God made cows and pigs fat and slow for a reason. So we can eat them.

Give Me the Right Kind of Dirty

I know that, in other parts of the world, vestal virgins are a commodity, but not to this guy. I am too old to deal with the hang ups that come with them. I also do not want to spend two years trying to teach them what to do. That also means non-drinking, non-cussing prudes should also stay away. I just don’t want the challenge.

Give me someone who knows what she is doing in the sack, cusses like a sailor, drinks like a fish and a little belching or farting will not hurt either. And tattoos work for me too. These kind of gals send great pictures to my phone.

It Will Come…

There are a few other things that would make me turn tail and run (such as a domineering family or kids) but it is my base of what to stay away from. I think that if I know what I do not want, I can open myself to everything else. It kind of makes me feel like there is a lot out there for me.

 

Photos from inkd.us, quickanddirtytips.com, nutritionsecrets.com, garymvasey.com